I can´t even begin to tell you how many times I wrote and deleted this blog post. Or how long it took me to even write the first paragraph.
The reason? This picture.
I wanted to write about my dance class, about Tribal Fusion (the limited knowledge I have of it at least), about happy things.
But whenever I looked at the picture above, all I could see was my belly.
And it isn´t just a bad angle. This is how my belly looks right now, and my kids are not to blame.
I was very lucky in both pregnancies, I didn´t get any stretch marks nor Diastasis Recti, and a few months ago my stomach area, though not a six pack, was a lot less flabby.
What happened? I had to stop working out (read here why) and I love to eat. One used to balance the other, but after three months of barely any exercise all muscles were gone and the scales showed a few extra kilograms.
So far, so profane, I bet many of us have been there. What struck me the most was how it affected my mood. I always considered myself to be a Body Positive Person, I worked out to stay fit and healthy and didn´t really chase a certain weight with passion.
But suddenly I didn´t feel very positive about my body anymore, and that just based on looks. I mean, it still served me very well, I was healthy and mobile, so why the sudden urge to hide a picture of myself taken in a very happy moment?
And how could I admit that when body positivity is the mantra all over social media?
Am I a traitor to the cause because I admit to not love my body right now? Or am I not allowed to talk about Body Positivity and body image issues anyway, because I am not overweight, but simply not one of the fit girls on instagram?
That was when I came across an article on Body Neutrality (here) that helped me tremendously. Instead of feeling guilty because I felt bad about my body, I tried to let go of any emotional connotation.
No more desperately trying to wholeheartedly love my stomach and feeling like a failure because I didn´t. But at the same time not hating my belly (or my butt) because they don´t look like I want them to.
A neutral stand is what I am aiming for now – let´s see how that goes.
Oh, and if you want to learn more about Tribal Fusion and my teacher, here are her social media handles (not an advertisment, I just love her!)
Facebook: Tricia Pash Tribal Fusion Dance